I am sitting in the middle of my apartment among boxes of things packed away for donation. I am giving away most of my possessions; pointless to own anything as a semi-vagabond. My goal is to fit everything I own into two suitcases all weighing less than 100 pounds (not arbitrary; airline baggage rules).
The process of giving away stuff doesn’t bother me as much as it might have in the past. My relationship with material things shifted massively about 4 years ago. Influenced by the likes of The Minimalists and Mari Kondo, I whittled down my possessions to a fraction of what I owned, saving only the things that “brought me joy”. Joyfully, I coasted along under that guiding concept until one day, I learned that my beloved fragrance I had been using for 10 years was discontinued! The horror! That totally shook me. To the core. (This may seem overdramatic, but most of you will understand the struggle of finding that perfect personal scent. Right??)
Thankfully, I survived that event. And I promised that I wouldn’t allow myself to become dependent on anything material again, especially the things I loved. So now, when I find myself relying heavily on any one thing (a product, a brand, a diet) that could be taken away from me or that I have no control over, I loosen the dependence by giving it up for a while (or forever). This is how I gave up make-up, why I spend periods of time away from martial arts, and why I quit veganism.
ENTER THE STOICS
Granted, I have my quirks. But this unusual behavior is not entirely alien. It is rooted in Stoicism, an ancient Greco-Roman philosophy that was born over 2000 years ago. I first heard about Stoicism in 2005 when I read Alain de Botton’s The Consolations of Philosophy. I was later re-introduced to it by some of my favorite authors/speakers, Tim Ferris and Derek Sivers, who also practice this unusual technique. Founded by Zeno and popularized by prominent thinkers, Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus and Seneca, Stoicism has seen revivals through the ages, particularly during the Renaissance and again in modern times. Many leaders, artists, entrepreneurs practice Stoicism as a way of life.
As a practical philosophy, Stoicism is a set of teachings that help us gain a mastery of ourselves and our emotions. Most of us are helpless victims of our mood swings. We all know it — our moods can be altered in a flash by a single conversation, by traffic, an unanswered text, or shocking news. We have ceded our happiness, it seems, to Fate’s mercy.
One of the central pillars of Stoicism is the use of reason to temper these fickle emotions. Stoics teach that a key to mastering our emotions is to differentiate between the elements we can control and those we can’t, and not to sweat the things that we cannot do anything about. Thus, if Fate deals us an unpleasant hand — be it a discontinued fragrance or a loss of all our wealth — our inner peace is intact.
Expect Everything. A practice to master this, according to the Stoics, is to expect unpleasant events to happen. Seneca encourages a daily premeditation which begins:
“The wise will start each day with the thought…
Fortune gives us nothing which we can rely on.
Nothing, whether public or private, is stable; the destinies of men, no less than those of cities, are in a whirl . . .”
We need only to look at natural calamities, accidents, shocking events that happen on a daily basis to understand the randomness of Fate. Fate doesn’t distinguish between the wealthy and the poor, the physically strong and the feeble. No matter how big a fortress we build, we are never immune to loss and pain. Hence,
“Never did I trust Fortune, even when she seemed to be offering peace. All those blessings which she kindly bestowed on me — money, public office, influence — I relegated to a place from which she could take them back without disturbing me. Between them and me, I have kept a wide gap, and so she has merely taken them, not torn them away from me.” – Seneca
Practice Discomfort. Another practical technique advocated by the Stoics is voluntary discomfort. Stoics did not shun a pleasurable life. However, they encouraged a regular practice of poverty and discomfort to temper our dependence on material luxuries, to strengthen ourselves against future misfortune, and to reduce our fear of it.
“Set aside a certain number of days, during which you shall be content with the scantiest and cheapest fare, with coarse and rough dress, saying to yourself the while: “Is this the condition that I feared?” – Seneca
Modern day Stoics practice this in various ways. Tim Ferris eats only rice and beans for a few days at a time to practice hunger. Or intentionally wears ugly shoes to practice the discomfort of ridicule. Others sleep on the floor, use cold showers, go without phone or internet, (stop wearing make up, abstain from martial arts, ahem ahem). . . the options are endless. The goal is to strengthen ourselves and remain unperturbed by the shifting external conditions we find ourselves in.
BACK TO THE FUTURE
So, as I sit here among boxes contemplating what lies ahead, I am unnerved by the thought that I will soon possess almost nothing — not a plate to my name and no home address to speak of. For a period, I will be moving from place to place, living under the roofs of generous souls (my sister, my parents, friends, airbnb hosts).
This all feels profoundly antithetical to what we naturally strive for. We spend our lives working hard to build a bastion of safety and comfort, a home where we can feel safe to let our guards down and be our truest selves. I’ve worked for the same things, and I’ve been fortunate to have been able to do so. On a visit to NY, my Mom commented, “Now I see why you’re single. Your life is so comfortable. There is no point ruffling it up.”
That comment gave me pause (not the “single” part. I’ve become immune to that). Sure, it is nice to have a cushy life, but have I become too rigid to withstand any bit of ruffling? Have I become inflexible? And have I become too dependent on this single-girl NY lifestyle for my happiness? The Stoics remind us that life is shifty. This fun, independent lifestyle I’ve built in NY will be ruffled up whether I like it or not. Rents will skyrocket; friends will marry and move to the suburbs; Trump may ruin everything; and even I may get married. And then what? What will become of me when things are shaken?
And this is why I feel it is necessary to leave home, this home, even temporarily — to loosen my dependence on NY (or any one place) for my happiness. Yes, it is a grand and strange exercise in Stoicism. But I hope to come out of it with the learned wisdom that the happiness and peace one derives from ‘home’ has nothing to do with the physical structure or city one finds herself in.
How do you deal with dependency? What are your views on Stoicism? And Stuff? I would love to hear your thoughts. Let me know in the comments section below.
You’re no stoic Ani or how would you explain the crying and hagulgul at the woodrose high school graduation rites
dramatic stoic?
My own personal image of a stoic person is one who does not show emotions. I don’t know if that jibes with your profound research on this. Lola Anita your name sake was, according to my mother, stoic. Maybe it was because she did not go through the expected outburst when widowed. Yet I remember her to have hugged and kissed me a lot as her first granddaughter. But she complained that it was like doing it to a Meralco post. It was foreboding. When lexi saw me coooing and patting Mouse and Coco she said buti pa mga aso because I never saw you do that to any of your children.
There is a common misconception that Stoics are emotionless and detached. It’s not that they have no emotions. It’s because they have prepared for hardships — they expect them and enjoy each moment. So when hardships come, it’s no surprise to them. When the philosopher Seneca was told by Nero to kill himself, his friends and family around him were hysterical and Seneca himself had to console them!
I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree. And it sounds like in our family, there are many of the same trees!! I guess I had no escape!
As I pack up and prep to leave NYC too, “let go and let God” and “quality of life” keep ringing in my ears. Spoken by equally strong women I’ve come to call my family in NYC and Jersey, you two are teaching me that what matters most is exactly what you’ve written about here: “the happiness and peace one derives from ‘home’ has nothing to do with the physical structure or city one finds herself in.” Keep talking to me, A & G – I’m listening 🙂
We’re all in this together, AE. Virtually holding each others’ hands. Over sisig.
Love it: as you packed up material baggage, you unpacked emotional baggage!
A way to happiness, anyway, that I’ve found: create (get messy) then de-clutter.
in design, it’s diverge (ideate, create) then converge (streamline ideas, de-clutter). maybe that’s the general theme in life: create then de-clutter. expand, contract.
in, out. yin, yang. push, pull. the birthing process.
love this piece!!!! it’s great how you weaved stoicism with getting rid of your stuff, and shaking up your comfy life. you are so brave! and you can write about it!
Oh yay, thank you for your comment! This was hard to write. I wasn’t feeling brave at all while packing. But processing the emotions was cathartic.