Midlife Strolling

I just returned from a walk through the Provencal vineyards. I started the walk following a wide and well-trodden gravel path. Soon enough, I was venturing down the various small dirt roads that veered off course. I have all the time in the world, I thought. Why not? Some of the dirt roads were too uninviting to explore in full. Some led to dead ends. But some opened up to lavender fields, to quaint stone houses, to a river, or back to the main pathway. After the exploration, I returned to the hotel buzzing with a fuller appreciation of the village’s landscape.

Soooo with that, let’s talk about Dating, shall we?

A few days ago, I ended a relationship. The guy, for various reasons, was not of the typical mold of past boyfriends. “Off path”, if you will. But I was sufficiently intrigued by him, so we dated. It was a good few months — easy, enjoyable, drama-free. Circumstances were not right for a longer relationship, though, so it ended as quickly and as smoothly as it began. We talked, we agreed to disagree, and we parted as friends.

The absence of complications in this relationship was in stark contrast to my early dating years. All through my late-30s, my romantic story was a rom-com-horror show running on repeat: ditching perfectly good relationships and grasping on to bad ones; neglecting the good guys in favor of the bad boys.

To be fair, the pressure to find our Forevers before impending ovary failure would throw anyone into neuroses. Dating becomes akin to finding love in a factory. Our ability to discern becomes questionable at best. We force ourselves to decide on potential partners within a few hours of meeting based on their perceived capacity to charm us, make us laugh, hold clever conversations, keep their fingernails clean, make cute babies, and pay for said babies’ college tuition. If things (surprisingly) go past the first few dates, we clamp down on any wiggle room to turn back. We end up staying in unhappy relationships longer than necessary just to avoid starting the maniacal process over.

The two best decisions I’ve ever made occurred at the same time: I decided to turn 40, and to step off this insane train. I released myself from the pressure of marriage and children — rather than Must haves, they became Nice to haves. And immediately, the heavens parted, angels carried the weight off my shoulders, and the dating world transformed for me.

Dating became so much more joyful. And sane! When the objective of each date ceases to be To Find The One, we can fearlessly explore, wander off path on new dirt roads, and frolic for as long or as short as we want. That is the gift of Midlife dating — it becomes a series of mini-adventures to relish.

To be clear, when I speak of midlife relationships, I am not talking of the stuff of quick flings.  These relationships can be every bit as sincere, meaningful and enriching as any other. First, because marital union is not the foremost goal, people are together because they enjoy each other’s company. Period. Off-spring potential and tax implications do not enter the equation. As such, there is an inherent acceptance and respect of partners as they are. Rarely are there judgements (“can I live with THAT for the rest of my life???”) or attempts to change each other.  Rather, each person is afforded the freedom to fully be themselves.

Because midlife dating allows us the space to explore atypical unions, it can also help shift our patterns and open us up to new perspectives. It expands our concepts of love and relationships. They expose us to different types of love and help us determine what works and what doesn’t work for us. More importantly, they expand our understanding of ourselves. Believe me when I say, being intimate with someone very different from us has the power to change us profoundly.

Finally, when we stop relying on any one person to make us happy, we learn to take care of ourselves. We learn to guard our happiness fiercely, and entrust it only to the worthy. If a particular route threatens our happiness, we need the courage to turn around. Happiness becomes the key criteria in our choices — including whether or not to be in a relationship at any given moment. When we decide to be in one, we can bring into it our whole selves.

By embracing the gift of midlife and the options that come with it, we fearlessly venture further afield with open hearts, armed with the knowledge that we can respond with a certain maturity and level-headedness that midlife brings. And while venturing out without the pressure of Finding Forever, perhaps we will gracefully stumble upon it.

Or, we may find ourselves exploring for longer than expected. And I promise you with all my heart that that route is equally as lovely, like a stroll in Provence.

 

I’d love love love to hear your thoughts.  Please comment in the section below.