“Warning: Manila is going to frustrate you.”
“Nah, I doubt it. Frustration happens only to those with an agenda. And I have zero agenda,” I arrogantly countered. “Plus,” I noted to myself, “I meditate. I got this. I am Peace Personified!”
Fast-forward a few months . . .
Back in Manila, and I am anything but the face of peace. I’ve become the Embodiment of Exasperation. Little random things trigger anger or irritation on a daily basis.
Michael Singer, author of The Untethered Soul, describes how these certain triggers become “pains”. In their essence, everything that occurs around us is neutral — they are neither good nor bad. It is we who decide to label them as such. Let’s take traffic — essentially, neutral. But one can consider it a massive deterrent to a destination (bad), while another can view it as opportunity for alone time (good). Singer explains that we label certain occurrences as “bad” when they rub up against what is delicate within us. That is, our own constructed self-identities.
We all have the tendency to grasp onto a self-identity to allow us to understand how we fit in. These identities come in various forms: I am a powerful politician. I am a loving wife and mother. I am a successful businessperson. I am intelligent and talented. I am young, stylish and beautiful. I am Catholic. . . These self-concepts help us orient with the world. They are the platforms we erect to keep us secure amidst the changes around us. It consoles us to believe that when we we know who we are, we know how to act, how to make decisions, and how to relate to other people. This is why we defend our self-identities so dearly. Because without them, who are we? And so it follows that if anyone challenges our constructed platforms, it triggers us emotionally.
But these self-concepts we’ve created are a false security. Relying on them and defending them aggressively for our self-worth is folly (and exhausting!), simply because nothing is permanent. Every cell in our body is changing. Our emotions change. Our moods, our desires. Power and influence are contingent on people willing to bestow it. Youth is fleeting. Success is fickle. Love fades.
Instead of being triggered and incessantly having to defend these self-concepts, it would be wiser to loosen our grip on them.
So, this is the process I have found myself to follow when I observe my jaws contract in irritation, or when my heart clenches in anger:
I, first, breathe out the emotion.
Then, I lean back and get curious about what this irritation is presenting to me. What is it telling me? If a “fat” comment triggers me, could it be that I have placed too much self-worth on appearance? If a service provider doesn’t respond, could it be that I still identify too much with New Yorker efficiency?
Then, I shake my head at my foolishness in the face of impermanence (because I do, in fact, have acquired a mid-life metabolism. And I am, in fact, no longer in New York).
Each time I do this, I relax a little more. Am able to go with the punches a little more. Take myself less seriously a little more. And have fun a little more!
Oh, Manila. In all your annoying glory, you teach. Salamat.
I would love to hear your thoughts. Drop me a line in the comments section below.